People say I'm
the life of the party
Cause I tell a joke or
two
Although I might be laughing
loud and hearty
Deep inside I'm blue
So take a good look at
my face
You know my smile looks
out of place
If you look closer it's
easy to trace
The tracks of my tears
Standing on his own, he looked
glumly at her. So close to him, so close. He could have walked two steps
forward and wrapped his arms around her from behind, the way he loved to,
to surprise her. The way he was no longer entitled to.
Why did he feel so much like
she was unreachable, untouchable? They hadn't even officially broken up.
They hadn't even fought..... not really. He'd been mad, in a way; mad at
himself for doing something so unbelievably stupid, much as he'd dug up
justification for himself in front of Peterson and the principal. Mad at
her, a little, for not understanding the way that he felt about what had
happened to Jack. In the time-honoured tradition, he'd placed the guilt
squarely on himself. It happened so much in his own house - he refused
to call it his 'home' - that it had become almost second nature. But not
so mad that he never wanted to see her again. Still, he'd allowed
himself a few days to calm down during his suspension before he would call
her. But she didn't call him. So he didn't call her. How many times had
he reached for the phone, sitting alone in his room, and dropped it back
into its cradle before he'd finished dialling her number? If she wanted
to talk to me, she'd call me. And so it went on, until he arrived back
to school to find her so clearly avoiding him that it physically hurt.
She had her back to him,
talking to Jack and Joey as they stood at Jack's locker, where the faint
red letters splashed across it two weeks before still showed. He
watched, as Jack cracked a weak joke and she threw back her head and laughed
heartily, and then jerked away, embarrassed, as she whirled around and
flashed him a hostile look, catching him boring holes into the back of
her head.
Oh I need you
Need you
Saved by the bell, he
thought with relief, as it jangled loudly through Capeside's corridors.
Dragged back to the scene before him almost against his will, he watched
as Jack and Joey linked arms and wandered off, and she walked in the opposite
direction. He wished - he wanted so badly to do the same with her. He knew
where she was going - math - and he normally would've walked her there
before going to his own class with Dawson and Jen.
Oh, God. This was
rapidly reaching heights of unbearability. My girlfriend is flirting
with a jock.
"Hey, Pacey." Rudely startled
from his thoughts by a hand on his shoulder, he turned round to see both
Dawson and Jen staring at him curiously.
"Where were you?" asked Jen,
shifting her bag from one shoulder to the other.
"What? Nowhere," he answered
quickly, unable to think of a cover story in time, and then, cracking a
hopefully convincing smile, added, "Haven't done my math homework.
Trying to figure out how to fudge it."
Jen laughed. "Same old Pacey."
The words, "Isn't Dawson
supposed to be the oblivious one?" wandered through his brain, as Dawson
studied him curiously for a few moments. But, alas! Pacey's faith in Dawsonkind
was restored, as Dawson smiled and said cheerfully, "Whatever. So, you
gonna be free to help with the filming of the pageant scene? Jack's finally
done making the set."
Oh yes. Jack. Even Jack hated
him now. Pacey'd thought he'd actually done something good for him. No
doubt there'd been Pacey-bashing parties aplenty at McPhee Manor lately.
"Sure. Hey, we'd better
go. We're gonna be late."
He hung back as Dawson and
Jen walked on in front of him, talking animatedly about Creek Daze.
He heard Jen make a crack about Abby as they settled into their seats,
and he forced himself to laugh, relieved to hear it sound fairly convincing.
At least she's still able
to laugh for real.
She didn't want him back,
he could tell. And his pride simply wouldn't let him beg.
Oh, no. He was going to play
the game her way.
Since you left
me if you see me with another guy
Lookin' like I'm having
fun
Although he might be
cute he's just a substitute, because
You're the permanent
one
So take a good look at
my face
You know my smile looks
out of place
If you look closer it's
easy to trace
The tracks of my tears
She could feel him, standing
close. Every hair on her neck was prickling on end as she felt his hostile
stare on her. Okay, he was angry. She
could partially understand that. She'd been angry at him, a little. For
a while. She'd been angry, that night down by the docks. Mostly at herself
for mistreating Jack, for not understanding that it wasn't his fault that
he'd written that poem, and that he didn't deserve to be resented for it.
She'd felt a little bad for not showing up to support Pacey, but she had
just been too afraid - of the snickers of the other kids, of the
principal's cold gaze, and Mr. Peterson's unashamedly hostile one. And
her fear had made her angry. She'd felt mad at him for throwing all of
'her' work away - for a while, she'd self-righteously convinced herself
that the reason he was doing well was all down to her; he wouldn't get
anywhere without her. Of course, he'd proved her wrong by completing every
one of his homework assignments while he was on suspension, and scoring
an 'A' in his English test since.
Damn him. Does he have
to make it so clear that he doesn't need me at all? However much I need
him?
She just wished he'd stop
staring at her like he hated her. She was starting to feel like
a bug under a microscope. "Here, hold the scalpel," someone was saying.
"Look! It's moving!"
Mentally shaking the bizarre
thoughts out of her head, she faked a laugh at one of Jack's pathetic jokes,
and flashed him what she hoped was an equally hostile glare, although she
couldn't help feeling that he'd sensed the begging underneath. It seemed
to work, though; he scowled at her, and focused his attention on a passing
cheerleader. She flinched, hurt and jealous, as Kristy Livingstone smiled
at him.
Terrific. Looks like he
never did get over that crush on Kristy.
She looked back at Joey and
Jack, seemingly oblivious to the snide looks they were getting, as they
laughed cosily. She sighed forlornly, as she pictured the times when she
and Pacey would do the same; when he'd sneak up behind her and envelop
her in his arms. Luckily, the bell shattered her depressing state of mind,
and she headed off to her math class with relief, watching with undisguised
envy as Joey and Jack ambled off arm-in-arm. A passing jock smiled flirtily
at her; mechanically, she smiled back.
Pacey would've walked
me to this class before.
Casting one last glance back,
she saw Dawson and Jen come up to him; saw him smile happily as the three
of them walked off together.
At least he's still able
to enjoy himself.
Obviously, he didn't need
her any more. And she wasn't quite at the begging stage yet.
Oh, no. She was going to
play the game his way.
Oh I need you
Need you
Unfortunately, her resolve was
wavering. She just couldn't take the thought of him hating her any more.
Even if he wouldn't take her back, she just wanted to apologise, to hear
him say, "I don't hate you." Hopefully.
Opening the door of the house,
she walked into the kitchen and collapsed onto a stool. Jack, poking in
the refrigerator, commented, "Nice entrance, drama queen. So how was your
day?"
"Hardy har har. Terrible."
Jack raised one eyebrow,
and took a swig from a bottle of water. "Pacey?"
"How'd you guess?"
"Simple. The fact that the
two of you spend all your time staring at each other's backs and studiously
avoiding any mention of each other. Plus, you jump every time the
phone rings, and you nearly fell over your own feet when he walked past
you yesterday."
"So he doesn't even mention
me?" Unable to stop her voice from rising into a wail, she pretended to
bang her head off the kitchen counter in a gesture directly borrowed from
him, and leant forward on her elbows with a sigh.
Jack rolled his eyes. "The
pair of you drive me crazy. Just call him!"
"Look, it's not that simple,
all right? If he wanted to talk to me , he would've called me already.
He's made it perfectly clear that he doesn't want to know me! I mean, did
you see the way that he was staring at me this morning?"
"Andie. He was staring
at you the exact same way you spend half your time staring at him. He's
probably saying the exact same thing you are. Call him."
"I can't. What if he won't
talk to me? Then I'd just break down crying and it would be so incredibly
embarrassing and humiliating and I'd just make a bigger fool of myself
than I already have. Or what if he will talk to me, but he just says that
he wants us to be friends in future? I mean, I love him, Jack, and
he said he loved me, and now it's driving me crazy seeing how he can have
so completely forgotten that and moved on so quickly. I mean, did you see
the looks that Kristy Livingstone was giving him today? And I already feel
so bad about the way I treated him when he stood up for you against Mr.
Peterson when he was only trying to do something good. Oh, God, Jack, what
am I going to do?"
Jack, who'd grown cross-eyed
during her rant, she noted with irritation, seemed a little confused. "Andie,
I feel bad as well. I mean, I totally chewed him out about it afterwards.
But Pacey's a good guy, and I know he still cares about you. And if you
care for my mental health, you'll put both of us out of our misery and
call him."
Sighing, she got up from
her stool and reached for the phone. "All right! I'm calling him! I have
absolutely no idea what to say, and will probably end up hanging up, but
I'm calling him!"
Alone in his bedroom, Pacey
sighed, banged his head off the wall a few times, and morosely stared at
the phone, before finally reaching for it and dialling.
She punched in the number
she knew by heart, and cradled the phone to her ear, listening intently
during the few seconds it took to be put through.
Pacey removed the phone from
his ear and let it dangle from his hand for a few seconds before listlessly
dropping it back in the cradle, mumbling, "Busy. Figures."
Highly irritated, she slammed
the phone back down. Jack looked mildly alarmed. "There! You see? It's
busy! He's probably on the phone to Kristy right now setting up a date!"
Jack gave her what Joey had
once described as "the universal look for 'sheesh, I give up' ", before
ambling upstairs to his bedroom. Sighing, she sat down again and buried
her head in her hands. Damn Pacey Witter! She was never going to think
about him again. If she could help it. Well, she was damn well going to
try.
(My smile) I'm
masquerading
(Inside) My hope is fading
(I'm justified) Since
you let me down
My smile is my makeup
I wear since my breakup with you
Waking up the next morning,
she rolled over and sighed once again. She was beginning to think she'd
never be able to get him out of her life. Not thinking about him had gone
into a screaming nosedive about five minutes after it was decided, and
even sleeping was difficult. This was it, she decided, She was going to
walk up to him and ask him to talk. And she was going to apologise; getting
that off her chest could only make her feel better. The rest was up to
him.
Eating breakfast, he finally
made his mind up. He was going to talk to her, and apologise for having
taken the whole Peterson thing too far. He'd ask her if she still wanted
to be with him, and hope to God that she'd say yes. He was beginning to
wonder if he was literally losing his mind. God, I hope not, he
thought gloomily. That's all she needs.
As she walked into the hallway,
she saw him, standing alone by his locker. Their eyes instantly locked,
and she was gratified to see him start towards her even as she walked to
him. Gathering her courage, she said, in a voice that sounded horribly
uncertain to her, "Pacey, can we talk?" He looked gratified.
"Sure, he answered, a wild
flame of hope alighting that refused to be smothered by his years of bitter
experience. "Uh, actually, I was just coming to ask you that myself." She
smiled, faintly; his heart leapt.
"Pacey, I just wanted to
tell you that I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for..... the way I treated you, and
Jack. I mean, it was unfair, you were just trying to help my brother and
I had no right to resent you for it. I really, truly believe that you did
the right thing, but I just wish it hadn't made us fight like this because
I've missed you a lot and I've been thinking that you hated me, and I just
couldn't stand that, and I was worried because you didn't call, and you
always call. And I just wanted to say... that I'm so sorry for - all of
that, and I just wanted to know that you didn't hate me......" He smiled
inwardly, at this typically Andie speech.
"Hate you? Andie, I could
never hate you. No matter what you do to me. And I have an apology of my
own to make. I'm so sorry that I took this whole thing with Peterson too
far. I mean, I turned it into some moral crusade and got up on my high
horse just because you wouldn't join it. And I'm so sorry that you thought
I didn't care about you any more......." He trailed off. She was warmed
inside, thinking: Jack was right. Thank goodness. He still cares.
"So....." he trailed off.
"Do you want to....."
She smiled at him warmly.
"Do you even have to ask?"
He smiled back, and leaned
in cautiously, closing his eyes and touching his lips to her. She felt
his arms pull her closer as her fingers twined into his hair, and she thought
hazily: I've missed this, too.
"Hey, didn't I tell you two
this a couple of weeks ago? Massive suck face embraces are better left
for bedrooms and private sunsets."
Pacey and Andie looked at
each other, to a smirking Joey, and back to each other. And laughed.
Baby take a good
look at my face
You know my smile looks
out of place
If you look closer it's
easy to trace
The tracks of my tears
|
